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Perfectly Imperfect
But I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to daaaaaddd! My 4 year old sobs in bed while tears flow from his eyes.
No worries, I respond, not even considering this is the release he needs. I can fix that. I call his dad back and my 4 year old says good night again. It seems the same to me but it soothes him in a way that makes me think it’s solved the issue.
Then he wakes up in the middle of the night crying again. This time he’s upset because he didn’t have the right job. We had been cleaning up our house that day and working in the garden to get ready to sell it and while it seemed like he had been helping and so engaged, it was now the middle of the night and my 4 year old was sobbing about not having the right job.
Again, I go into fix it mode, normally this one I’d recognise as a release and I’d hold it; I wouldn’t fix it and I’d just allow him to be. But in the middle of the night let’s be honest, my capacity is diminished. It’s not what it is at 11am.
So I go into fix it mode. I will find you a job. I’m going to dream about the best job I can find you so when I wake up tomorrow I’ll have the perfect job just for you! Honestly I was trying everything that would soothe him and allow us all to go back to sleep.
Then again….. This time it’s breakfast time and I make his egg. He cries and yells that he wants dad to make it.
I hold the boundary. Dad’s busy, I am cooking breakfast this morning.
He sobs.
His brother tries to interrupt to which he yells - you need to stop talking so I can finish crying!!
His brother with a knowing smirk, understands and lets him be.
We all let him be.
My husband gently but solidly puts a hand on his back.
My son resists, get off! He yells. Then immediately realising it’s his dad, he softens, he puts his arms out for my husband and he cradles in his arms.
Moments later he’s happily engrossed in building his spider man lego by himself…
He no longer cares about finding the perfect job.
Or who is making breakfast.
The emotion has moved and he is back.
Sometimes when we talk about allowing children to release I think people assume it has this beautiful and organic flow, and when parents are doing it “right”, that it always looks like a picture perfect mad to sad.
But this is life.
This is human life.
Sometimes we miss the cues.
Sometimes we go into fix it mode.
Sometimes we’re completely imperfect.
The parenting framework where we work with the needs and the emotions beneath the behaviour doesn’t mean we’re perfect at it every time.
Sometimes the emotion flows in the moment and a kid returns to their more balanced state straight away.
And other times it takes multiple goes.
So here is my reminder to you, you’re not wrong if your kid needs a few goes to come back to balance.
You’re not wrong if it doesn’t look like the books say.
We’re human.
Keep being curious.
Keep providing genuine safety.
Keep softening the walls.
Keep deepening the connection.
That’s the real work.
You’ve got this.
