BLOG POST
Sibling Magic
My 3 year old was screaming in frustration; he couldn’t shoot a basketball as well as his brother and he was adamant that he should be able to have as many turns as he needed until he got a goal.
This had been going on all morning.
I pulled my eldest child aside and whispered into his ear:
I know it’s tricky, he has been screaming a lot today. Do you know what I think is happening? He actually missed you yesterday when you were away for the day. He really missed you and now his frustration is coming out.
My eldest child’s shoulders suddenly pushed back and I’m pretty sure he grew an inch in that moment….
This was when everything shifted.
He found an extra degree of patience.
He found his caring instincts.
He felt like he mattered and his role as big brother was important and that softened him.
And then for hours they played happily and in sync.
And for hours I got work done, including writing this email.
You might be thinking, right Ashleigh, nice example but that would NEVER work in our home!
So let me dive into it more….
This is a process known as matchmaking. It’s something I first heard from Dr Gordon Neufeld (the guru of attachment, let’s be honest) and have used in my home since.
You can activate the attachment caring instincts of the older child by reminding them how important they are, by showing them how much the smaller child looks up to them and by highlighting how loved they are by that smaller child.
It might be as simple as - did you see the baby smile at you? Gosh she loves having you as a big brother.
Or, with older children - whispering - have you noticed how much he does everything that you do? He really wants to be just like you. He really loves having you as his big brother.
It shows an importance to that older child of their role and it activates this deep inner instinct inside of them to rise up to that role.
It seems like magic, and it kind of is… Because it’s attachment and attachment really is what changes everything.
For the children who are a little defended in this season of life, who try and avoid their vulnerability and who perhaps don’t want to admit that they missed someone or who might shout back with "did not!" Or "I don’t care even if he did miss me!"...
This is why you do it in quiet. You don’t do this in front of each sibling in case the other one denies it and causes more pain and disconnection.
You take the older sibling aside, quietly and privately and share this information with them in such a way that no one needs to defend against this little moment of connection.
It’s a whisper, a secret, a little knowing between you and them, that they’re special and their role is important.
And that activates this deep drive to rise up and into that role.
It's a little piece of attachment magic....give it a try