BLOG POST
Too soon, social skills take time and patience
My husband brought the neighbourhood kids home after a swim this week.
I was in my room working and I could hear giggles and the rustling of snacks and game negotiations. There were 5 kids crammed in our small home and it was beautiful.
But it reminded me of the time when my kids couldn’t do this...
When a swim with friends in the morning was enough and the rest of the day had to be simple and slow and quiet.
As my older child gets more mature, he can handle more, it makes so much sense right?
But we’re losing this intuition in our modern culture. It seems that the message is, if a child can’t do something at 3, then they’ll never be able to do it. My reminder for you today is that this is not true.
Immature kids playing with other immature kids IS HARD.
And many kids find it frustrating and alarming.
Then you see them reflect that back in challenging behaviour - they snatch, they argue, they push, they meltdown - all kinds of things.
But what does society expect?
That they just need more practice. They need more play dates They need more time with friends
It’s actually not how this skill works.
An aggressive toddler or a bossy preschooler, doesn't need more time with other kids to "get better" at this dynamic.
They simply need time.
Kids need maturity before they can handle social situations with other kids.
They need impulse control.
They need to be able to hold complexity in their mind and not just act off their one dominant feeling.
But you might be thinking, but my kid could do this when he was younger?
Yes, very young toddlers seem to play with more ease with other children.
That’s not because they are better at it, it’s simply because they engage in parallel play. They don’t actually play WITH each other.
As those toddlers grow and especially by the preschooler years, you might notice more frustration and more struggle in social play because now the children are engaging in cooperative play.
If your 4 year old struggles to play with other kids - it’s ok, it’s actually normal.
Generally kids under 5 need an adult to support them and show them how to manage challenges, show them how to mediate differences and demonstrate how to effectively manage conflict.
Kids don’t need to practice this with other same age kids who also don't have this skill!
4 year olds don't learn good social skills off other 4 year olds.
They learn it from grown ups.
And in time, they take those skills into their friendships.
There is a season for everything.
And rushing social play without grown up support before kids have any impulse control or conflict resolution abilities isn't the answer.
As kids get older, often 6/7 plus, that is when they’re better at managing mixed age play without a grown up.
3 and 4 year olds don’t need more practice, they need adults to watch, they need adults to model off, and in time, they will have the maturity to manage the challenge of social dynamics with other kids too.
As always, be patient, there is a plan, we don't need to push our little kids into dynamics they're not ready for yet...it just stresses everyone out!